Col. Gentleman's list of celebrity actresses who need a slap in the mouth:

• Kirstie Alley


• That girl from The Facts of Life. You know the one.


• Mary Kate Olsen. But not Ashley.


• Lorretta Switt


• Kirstie Alley. Again.


• Rosie O'Donnell for rapping in Elmopolooza. And for being Rosie O'Donnell.


• Elaine Boozler


• Rosie Perez. Because I bet that would turn her on. Crazy Puerto Rican minx.


• Clay Aiken


• The female lead in SuperCross, for looking at the camera whilst scanning the vista.


• Bonnie Bedelia.

Dear Diary,
Another dreary party at the Frost's flat... but oh the bitches were in rare form tonight!

Love,
Colonel Gentleman.